Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
