nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
