I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
