she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
