my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
