Betty ford says i'm here all night
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
