my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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