I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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