Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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