I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
