oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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