You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
