I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
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