You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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