I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Randomize
