i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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