You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I need to stop coming to work sober
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
