New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize