Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
