The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
