I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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