I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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