1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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