Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize