I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
