How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Your penis caused this!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
