He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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