i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
