I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
