just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
