Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
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