plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize