so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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