she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
