If that was your dad, he is hot
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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