ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
