If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
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