Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
