I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
