need another drink. this is the easiest way
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
