you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
