apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
