yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I think my vagina is haunted
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
