i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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