I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize