Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
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