My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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