Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
