i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
just found out that she named her cat after me.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
