U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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