someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
