i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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