Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
