He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
