this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize
