Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
