Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
