don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
