Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
