When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
