Ambien. No doubt about it.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
