Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
