i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
