There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
