I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
