I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
