When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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