I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
