Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
