Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
