Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
