youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
