I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
