Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
