yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
