i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
