Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
